Using Inclusive Language for All Family Types:
Atlanta Birth Photography and Doula Care
I know that the birth community is filled with people from all different faiths and walks of life.
This blog post is about how to love the people who come in to our life to work together.
This blog post is for those who have made the decision to love and serve all in the community humbly, and unbiased.
Regardless, people come into our lives, even if for a brief moment.
We have the opportunity to show them love and kindness, through using inclusive language for all family types! How exciting!
My 4th child was starting Kindergarten and the school hosted an opportunity for the children to meet their teacher. As I sat with my daughter, I couldn’t help but notice the very excited couple across from me. It was obvious that this was their first child and would be their first time dropping off a child for Kindergarten. I was sitting there like, “I don’t want to be here, hurry up and meet your teacher. I’m tired.” And they were all like, “We’re so nervous and excited and I need to photograph everything!” It was also obvious to me that they were a gay couple.
A line began to form to meet the teacher. Being a tired mom of 5 children, I didn’t want to wait in line, so I just sat in the tiny chair and waited for everyone to leave. Did I mention being tired? After what seemed like an exhausting eternity full of yawns and slow blinks, there were only 2 children left in the classroom- mine and the family sitting across from me. They jumped up full of energy and introduced their daughter to the teacher. FYI: This has nothing to do with being gay, that’s a stereotype. I know plenty of very tired gay parents.
They exchanged pleasantries while the teacher tried her best to keep her own eyes open, after already meeting probably 25 other children. As things began to wind down, the blonde dad said, “I just want to let you know that our child has 2 dads. The mother is not in our lives.” The teacher quickly replied, “OK! Thanks for letting me know. Families come in many dynamics and I’m careful not to assume, but thank you for the reminder for this school year.” Still being very tightly wound in the Christian community + being a birth worker, my imagination began to wander about how this child came to be. It was then that I realized I didn’t know many gay parents. I only knew gay individuals. I wanted to be their friend, I wanted to learn/know more about being an ally.. Although back then it was just called “being kind.” I was also aware (thank you television) that gay couples can be sought out and considered a token of sorts. Afraid that they would assume that of me, I kept quiet. That was many, many years ago and a lot has changed since then. I’ve met polyamorous families, adoption, trans-parent families, children raised by their grandparents (like I was), single parent families, arranged marriages, children born through surrogate… and even a few families who were having a baby together, yet they weren’t actually a couple anymore. My point? Assume nothing. Although I haven’t updated my website, or previous posts to use more inclusive language, I’ve been taking my approach to couples/families/parents/clients differently. And rather than assume, I ask questions. Here is a list of Qs that I hope you find helpful in using inclusive language for your Atlanta birth photographer and/or doula care clients.
Tell me about your family dynamic :)
What a beautiful opportunity to get to know your clients and also give you a bit of information so that you don’t assume wrongly and can respect their family dynamic.
Examples of actual answers I’ve heard:
“Well, I’m married to Marcus, but we are poly and raising this baby with another couple we are close with. We believe in the village mentality and communal home.”
“This is my 3rd baby, but Mark’s first. We’ve been married 2 years.”
“We used a sperm donor after trying for 6 years.”
“I’m having this baby by myself. Her father may or may not be a part of her life.”
Parent, co-parent(s)? Caregiver(s), primary caregiver?
You can find out who will be primarily raising the child, not just birthing the baby. Through this you can offer more customized services (if applicable).
Examples of actual answers I’ve heard:
“My wife and I work full time. Her father will be moving in after the baby is born while he gets his U.S. Visa.”
“My partner and I are parenting this child together, but we are using a surrogate to bring him into the world.”
Who is primarily in need of a doula/photographer?
Examples of actual answers:
“I’ve had a baby before, but this is my husband’s first. He is very, very anxious and I need you there to keep him calm.”
“We have decided we want a doula to guide us both through this process and we’re excited you take pictures too.”
“This is an open adoption and I want this child to see the sacrifice his birth mother made.”
“My hubby will be in Australia when I’ll be giving birth, so I need images so he sees what he missed. So he sees our daughter being born.”
Who is the birthing/laboring person?
This can seriously help not only understand family dynamic, but it can help with proper pronoun usage.
How will you be feeding your baby?
I asked a local midwife about her thoughts using inclusive language and her advice was to use gender neutral terminology about nursing. Not everyone is comfortable with the term breastfeeding. Some non-binary people prefer the term “chest” over breast. On a broader spectrum, not everyone nurses, many families bottle feed. I think that the assumption that couples who want a natural birth and hire a doula *must* also breastfeed. This just isn’t true and it can be hurtful. When asking how someone will feed their baby, you are not only giving them an opportunity to use terms they’re comfortable with.. you are giving them an opportunity to be excited and talk about their family choice to feed the baby ___.
Examples of actual answers I’ve heard:
“We will be using goat’s milk. I tried breastfeeding our last child and I just didn’t produce enough.”
“We have a breastmilk donor.”
“I will be feeding the baby formula through a tube taped to my chest.”
“I had a breast reduction, so I am going to try to breastfeed, but also plan on supplementing with formula.”
“We’re breastfeeding! I’m excited and nervous.”
What will the baby call you? What will the baby call other people in your home?
This again reinforces/explains the family dynamic and helps you not look dumb/rude.
Examples of actual answers I’ve heard:
“Mami and Papi.”
“Safta and Zayda.”
“I’m ‘Daddy’. He’s ‘Father’.”
“I’m Momma in English. She’s Daddy in Korean.”
“Uhhhh, Mom and Dad?“
Who will be in the birth room?
This gives them the opportunity to again fill you in on their family dynamic and not have to answer direct questions about their relationship status with the co-parent and/or extended family.
Examples of actual answers I’ve heard:
“Just my hubby and I.”
“My mother and my partner.”
“We plan on making it a family affair. My sister, my mom and my dad will be there.”
“My partner and my best friend.”
“Just me. I really need a doula.”
I know that the birth community is filled with people from all different faiths and walks of life.
This blog post is about how to love the people who come in to our life to work together.
This blog post is for those who have made the decision to love and serve all in the community humbly, and unbiased.
Regardless, people come into our lives, even if for a brief moment.
We have the opportunity to show them love and kindness, through using inclusive language for all family types! How exciting!
